Is it flattering at all that my diary name, created some six years ago, turned out to be true?
I'm cleaning my bedroom for the first time since...well...since I moved in here almost a year ago. Sure I've moved things around, added, thrown away, primered the walls to cover the depressing blue back in August (and left it primered...) but I've never dumped everything out, sorted through, thrown away and cleaned. So that's what I'm doing now. There are items from when I first moved in (obviously) and receipts that are depressing not to mention pay stubs that speak of a better, more prosperous time.
I'm trying hard to stop complaining since it's always the same and it accomplishes nothing.
And I'm also finding the unsent letters to him as well as some of the letters I left in my room rather than stuffed into the back of the drawers in my desk. That was such a long time ago--over six months--and it feels like a different life altogether. (My cat Spokane is currently chomping on my arm demanding attention. Ouch. Why did I get a cat again...Kidding.)
So instead of hanging onto the reminder of an epic fail I'm tossing them in the trash where they belong (my letters to him, not his letters). There's just so much more context to the convoluted relationship we had for what it was than those letters, like the hour or more we would talk on the phone every day. He is such a bastard. Even now. Should I be happy that he's asking me to come see him to give him a blowjob and he's will to pay me for it? No, I really don't think so, and therefore I'm almost insulted. But it's also strangely...flattering? That takes some context as well--before last year I never put myself in a position to be hit on or noticed by the opposite sex. I fell in love with the porter and being desperate for any sort of returned attention let the other guy sweep me up in the stupid fantasy world we lived in. And so he was my first kiss--it was truly horrible. I still cringe every time I think about it and am thankful it was never repeated. I refused to let him touch me and instead indulged my curiosity with him--and discovered I didn't mind giving head--I actually quite enjoyed it. Now I do regret the PERSON I did it with, but not the act necessarily. I mean, I love him in a twisted way and that was the main reason I did what I did in the first place--but if I could go back to that night I would drive him to the train, drop him off and say goodnight, nothing more or less.
Honestly I wish he had never come back to work after he got into trouble. Life would be much simpler.
I am worth a lot more than a blowjob in a parking lot, but at the time I didn't know that or think that. All I thought was wow, someone actually wants me. It sounds more pathetic than it was (if that's possible) because I made the choice, I was never forced or coerced. I knew his game the whole time & decided I wanted to play.
But now, with two months gone by without seeing him (which is a record--from July-December I saw him every month, for a good portion I talked to him every single day until mid-October) but we still talk on the phone and exchange myspace messages every once and a while, usually initiated by him. Currently he's being manipulative and asking me to come see him, I think he wants to reassure himself that he still has some kind of hold over me. I do want to see him, but not under this pretense. If he could take a lunch break and there was a cutoff time when he had to be back, I would go, hang out for an hour and be done with it. I miss the person and the friendship that was at least partially genuine. Nothing else was.
But anyway. He owes me a lot of gas money (I was driving him around a lot, various reasons, when guess was $4/gallon) and he's being a douche about paying me back even though he's making decent money. I don't want excuses anymore--it's been six months. I want cash in hand. If that means going out and seeing him in person and doing favors, FINE. I don't really care. But I really need the money. I'm calling him earlier in the day to clarify what's going on since he's involved with at least one other person and suddenly is asking me to give him a blowjob--not out of character for him, but it's still odd. Wow. I just keep digging myself a deeper hole the more I write about him. Yeah. I know. He's a heel.